Do Not Go Gentle

Several months ago I had a major meltdown over money. The papers suddenly proclaimed a crisis - shooting an air bubble into the already poisoned bloodstream of cash flow - and I blew. I ranted against the idiots in the media, the greed of bankers, the arrogance of Wall Street, and the laziness of the SEC to anyone who would listen. I seethed over the cascading markets, the plummeting home values, and the drop in revenue. I raged at God, myself, and the universe in general, mostly for giving me this quest at this particular moment in time. "What the hell are you thinking?" the raving went. "How can I ever hit the mark from here?"

Then one day, I came up with the answer - by continuing to do the best I can.

It took me weeks to come up with that, weeks of sleeplessness, of binge eating, and - yes - of hair loss. That day, the day I realized I wasn't off the hook just because it was now harder, I felt curiously liberated. I was able to plant my feet firmly on the ground, even feel hope. In fact, I realized this treasure hunt might be even more important than ever because of the timing - I thought maybe, just maybe, I could not only find the means for the Big Lug's retirement, but help others find a glimmer (or more) of light in these darker times.

Maybe it was because of my own arrogance (quite substantial), or maybe because the lava, once erupted, always turns into fertile soil - I don't know why everything changed in that moment, but it did, and I swore I would never doubt again.

I'm astonishingly grateful I didn't do anything worse than vent my fury with talking, walking, and work. Looking back, I'm kind of surprised - it hasn't always happened that way, even lately. It wasn't that long ago when I ... well, let's just say "duck and cover" used to have a whole new meaning, and not all of the people I love are good at dodging. I've done some truly horrible things in a temper, things I regret even decades later. The memories helped keep me in check, for certain, but my new understanding of how things work did more.

This Deadly is a habit, just like biting your nails, having that drink when you come home, or brushing your teeth at night. Oh, not the emotion - it falls upon even the meekest of souls - but the act of it. Fury - true, boiling, Vesuvius-like rage - is a way of life for only a small percentage of people, and we feel good about ourselves because we don't count ourselves among those chosen few. But holding onto even the smallest grain of resentment or outrage makes us do stupid things, to property, to people, and to ourselves (depression is anger turned inward, remember). We have self-control, and we have brains.

I've learned that if we look at irritation or outrage as an early warning system, a directional device rather than a destination, then we could use the energy instead of be ruled by it. Don't ignore it or suppress it - after all, we should be angry about some things, like injustice, corruption, and bigotry - but stop scattering it around like grain for the chickens, and focus on fixing what we are able. By fighting, specifically, that which makes us crazy, we hold the night at bay.

And don't stop with a single act of correction - dole it out, ride it, as long as you can. Money was my issue, and still is, so ... today I will buy what I can, invest where I am able, get money to people instead of to moguls (or despite them) ... whenever possible I will vote the true bastards out of office or boards, but I will force myself not to punish all because of the idiocy or evil of the few ... and, always, I will remember that I am not a superhero but a person. No single person caused this, and no single person can cure it, not quickly, anyway. But a single person has to power to find the beauty in a moment, the treasure in the rubbish, the candle in the darkness, as long as she doesn't allow bitterness and outrage to blind her - or blind others to her vision.

So go ahead, rage, rage against the dying of the light, but don't allow your dreams to be blown out ... by blowing up.