Scaaaaary

The Electric Kid is here today. We took a walk earlier - he wanted to see the spooky houses up close because (he says) they give him headaches, hiccups, and make him "craaaa-zy."

He's four. He loves Halloween. And I love watching him love Halloween.

Scary was so easy when we were that age, wasn't it? A leap from a door (with an explosive "Boo!") almost made me pee my pants back then. Jack 'o Lanterns flickered and leered and gave me nightmares until Thanksgiving. Hell, growling sounds from someone's stomach would give me chills. I don't jump at any and all sounds these days but potential for fear abounds.

My mother getting taken by a scam artist (yep, true - working on reversing it). My car getting hit in a parking lot (a bad scratch to the driver's mirror housing, but four days in the shop because the actual mirror broke). The Dow rising and falling and rising and ...? My doctor recommending a (routine) colonoscopy because the Big Lug and I are now "that age." Hopes pinned on a quest that (at the rate I'm going) will depend on winning a lottery, writing a bestseller, or pulling a Madoff. The chest pain that turns out to be bad fish or a pulled muscle due to overly energetic sex.

Y'know, all the stuff that could be, might be, can't be ... left on, walked off, no control ... what if I, what if he, what if they ...

I think I want to be four again for awhile, let the "ghost-es" floating in the trees and the "skedingdons" dancing on doors and the " 'pider webs" stretched from bushes to shrubs and back again frighten me. Just for a few days. Just "a'cuz."

Boo!

And grrrrrrrrrrrr!

Dreaming

Today is the first day in almost three weeks that I haven't had a student. I have a granddaughter, yes (she had the flu over the weekend) but not a student.

We've been dreaming today. It started out as research on eBay - I bought a box o' stuff at a flea market awhile back, and I wanted to see how much the comps are selling for. Somehow, one thing led to another - I searched "18K" and suddenly I lost three hours of my life.

Princess was with me, looking at the pieces over my shoulder (she didn't like many of them, but then again she's wearing blue Hello Kitty socks with a pink dress covered in mint green flowers). She helped with the calculator, too, proving to me that she is the most brilliant girl in the world. She wasn't allowed to watch TV so she's been changing watch bands and faces (something I bought at a yard sale) to match her mood. She tried eight of the ten colors, only skipping the mustard yellow and the light blue (what that says, I don't know). She also talked to imaginary people on her cell phone (a dead throwaway we put in the toybox). Pretty realistic conversations for someone who can't reach the back burners of a stove.

We pretended today, she in her world, me in mine, and we both had the most fun when our worlds intersected. I started out the day with housework and organizing in mind. I'm ending it with visions of my Sugar Plum dancing in my head.

Not too bad for a day off, huh?

Letting Me Up

It hasn't eased - my schedule, my life - but I'm starting to learn a bit about how to get out from under it, sometimes at least. It doesn't involve shopping, either, though that's a great stress reliever. It actually focuses on things I've been avoiding.

Housework. Paying bills. Organizing. Things I hate, things I have to do in order to create the world that will help calm me after a particular frustrating day (which is most of them right now). I have to do that today, even with the migraine that crept into my head yesterday afternoon.

Eat good food. Clear surfaces - and the decks. File. Donate.

Unclutter most of my world so I can handle the messy particulars a little better.

That means cutting it short here, too. I have too much to smooth out.

At least right now.

Working

Twenty hours over the weekend. That's what I worked. Travel time extra.

Earning a living is the name of the game these days. After the rather emotional Thursday I had last week, I purposely and purposefully revisited my own tenets for this quest, and reminded myself that I have more than one way to reach it. Finding is fun (though traumatic sometimes), stealing is just waiting lately, and winning is not my priority (too much time on the 'net). Earning it is the star. Somehow, in all those hours, I managed to keep my cool when three students were late (not all at once) and interrupted the class while I had to go down to let them into the building and shepherd them up, managed not to lose it when another (tutorial) had the wrong time because mom didn't look at the calendar (we rescheduled for next Sunday), and even found peace in the parking lot that was the commute home (construction and rain). This is all part of a bigger picture. Thursday helped me with that, and other things.

What? Something was missing from my list? I didn't mention inheritance? There's a reason for that - Thursday also helped me realize I've been collecting instead of divesting, a reservoir instead of a conduit, Dragon girl instead of Bunny. I need to get that big donation ready to go - the one I said would go out by the end of summer, remember? It's time to inherit it forward, to return the generosity I've been shown, to give for ... okay, so maybe the pin and earrings have spurred a bit of guilt giving. Or maybe they just reminded me to work as hard on balance as I've worked to earn, and to find.

Because next time I get a big (platinum?) Good Bunny, I don't want to burst into tears.

Or worse - to take it as my due.

Errands

I called my son today to thank him for finding a sitter for the Electric Kid. I love my grandson to distraction, don't get me wrong, but I've worked 13 days straight at my job (for at least 1 hrs per day) and had filled the rest of them with watch guys and babysitting and even (tomorrow) a trip for the Big Lug. I've felt as if I were in one of those running, running, running dreams, the ones in which you're not being chased, and you aren't moving toward a goal, you're just running. I always feel insanely tired after one of those, waking exhausted and befuddled, and I almost always have the dream when I'm stressed to the max. Between my mom's plight, my work schedule, and the extra responsibility, I didn't need to fall asleep to have the dream.

But today I got a break. And I took advantage of it to run errands and hunt my thrift shops - well, I'd planned to go to more than two, but I had only time for two. This turned out to be not a problem at all. In fact, it was a very good day - a pair of rose gold earrings and a white gold pin, in fact (nice ones), and several sterling pieces I will offer up to my kids if they want to pass them along or use for "secret Santa" stuff this coming holiday season (when I will be in Texas).

I needed to do this. I didn't know how much I needed the time - and the fabulous finds - to somehow reinforce that I am somehow worthy (no matter how lame that sounds), that I am smart (the earrings had been there for nearly a month, and the pin had no visible marks), and that I am going in the right direction with both my "hobby" and my life. The earrings made me whisper my "thank yous" the entire trip home. But when the eight tiny "diamonds" on the pin tested real, my breath caught, and then - shaking so badly I could hardly hold my loupe - I found the "750" hidden beneath the clasp, I burst into tears.

I didn't really know why, not then, but I've figured it out. Firstly, the Dow closed over 10,000 for the first time in a year; I've been more worried about our finances (never mind reaching my goal) than I thought I had, but I reacted with cynicism yesterday instead of happiness. Second, although I loved going through the watches last Friday, and loved what I found and what I bought, it was more "work" than "fun" - I had to make decisions, and that's all I've been doing lately. Third, and most importantly, I have only two oases in the Hidalgo-like endurance race that is my life right now: the Big Lug's arms and shopping for treasures. To find one piece would have been fantastic. To find two was a bloody miracle - especially since I wouldn't've gone anywhere near these places for at least another week without my son's gracious understanding, his efforts to not take me for granted. That made a difference.

I told him about the finds, by the way, just a minute ago. He didn't seem thrilled. Maybe he was late for his meeting, or maybe he thought I'd fill my entire day with the catch-up I needed to do, the other work I have so much of, but I couldn't. I don't know. I'm still sensitive enough to wonder. But I had to take a moment - today - to find the fantasy, the good dream again. I had to break from the calls, the plans, the anger and sadness and frustration.

And I had to - had to - learn to Trust again. Not the small-"T" kind but Trust, with a capital. I'm going to need that kernal of serenity, that hope fulfilled feeling, in the coming months. Today has helped me toward that.

I know now that I'm not strong enough to keep going on my path, or to find my way, without a sign or two. I'm glad I found that out today. And I'm beyond grateful that if Someone had to pick a sign for me to see that it was this big, freaking, neon "ATTAGIRL!"