Errands

I called my son today to thank him for finding a sitter for the Electric Kid. I love my grandson to distraction, don't get me wrong, but I've worked 13 days straight at my job (for at least 1 hrs per day) and had filled the rest of them with watch guys and babysitting and even (tomorrow) a trip for the Big Lug. I've felt as if I were in one of those running, running, running dreams, the ones in which you're not being chased, and you aren't moving toward a goal, you're just running. I always feel insanely tired after one of those, waking exhausted and befuddled, and I almost always have the dream when I'm stressed to the max. Between my mom's plight, my work schedule, and the extra responsibility, I didn't need to fall asleep to have the dream.

But today I got a break. And I took advantage of it to run errands and hunt my thrift shops - well, I'd planned to go to more than two, but I had only time for two. This turned out to be not a problem at all. In fact, it was a very good day - a pair of rose gold earrings and a white gold pin, in fact (nice ones), and several sterling pieces I will offer up to my kids if they want to pass them along or use for "secret Santa" stuff this coming holiday season (when I will be in Texas).

I needed to do this. I didn't know how much I needed the time - and the fabulous finds - to somehow reinforce that I am somehow worthy (no matter how lame that sounds), that I am smart (the earrings had been there for nearly a month, and the pin had no visible marks), and that I am going in the right direction with both my "hobby" and my life. The earrings made me whisper my "thank yous" the entire trip home. But when the eight tiny "diamonds" on the pin tested real, my breath caught, and then - shaking so badly I could hardly hold my loupe - I found the "750" hidden beneath the clasp, I burst into tears.

I didn't really know why, not then, but I've figured it out. Firstly, the Dow closed over 10,000 for the first time in a year; I've been more worried about our finances (never mind reaching my goal) than I thought I had, but I reacted with cynicism yesterday instead of happiness. Second, although I loved going through the watches last Friday, and loved what I found and what I bought, it was more "work" than "fun" - I had to make decisions, and that's all I've been doing lately. Third, and most importantly, I have only two oases in the Hidalgo-like endurance race that is my life right now: the Big Lug's arms and shopping for treasures. To find one piece would have been fantastic. To find two was a bloody miracle - especially since I wouldn't've gone anywhere near these places for at least another week without my son's gracious understanding, his efforts to not take me for granted. That made a difference.

I told him about the finds, by the way, just a minute ago. He didn't seem thrilled. Maybe he was late for his meeting, or maybe he thought I'd fill my entire day with the catch-up I needed to do, the other work I have so much of, but I couldn't. I don't know. I'm still sensitive enough to wonder. But I had to take a moment - today - to find the fantasy, the good dream again. I had to break from the calls, the plans, the anger and sadness and frustration.

And I had to - had to - learn to Trust again. Not the small-"T" kind but Trust, with a capital. I'm going to need that kernal of serenity, that hope fulfilled feeling, in the coming months. Today has helped me toward that.

I know now that I'm not strong enough to keep going on my path, or to find my way, without a sign or two. I'm glad I found that out today. And I'm beyond grateful that if Someone had to pick a sign for me to see that it was this big, freaking, neon "ATTAGIRL!"